I’ve dealt with varying levels of anxiety since I was a teenager. I had a healthy family environment growing up. My dad was a teacher and coach, my mom a family Nurse Practitioner. We grew up in different towns all over Kansas. My younger sister, Ashley, and I were expected to participate in as many sports as we were interested in joining. In reality, that was our social life becuase there really wasn’t anything else to do in a small town! I chose basketball, volleyball, cross country and swimming depending on what time of year it was. Ashley chose basketball, volleyball, track and softball. The sports we were naturally good at became the ones we focused on as we grew older. Mine was basketball and Ashley’s softball. She became a hell of a fast pitcher in high school, and traveled all over with her teams
To describe us as an active family was an understatement. My dad was always coaching something. His favorite sport to lead was girls’ baskteball. In Frankfort, KS, our basketball team made it to the Sub-State Tournament when I was a Sophomore. I still miss that group of girls. Everything clicked that year and we kicked so much butt! Our free time as kids wasn’t spent in front of a TV, video screen or computer. If we weren’t at early morning practice during pre-season or regular practice after school (yes, this meant two-a-days many times a year), Dad had us doing drills or throwing a ball on the weekends. Mom would accompany us many times where she’d be known to run laps, stretch or do an ab workout on the sideline. She’d help dad with drill setup or coaching whenever she was done with her workout.
When people tell me that working out helps the lowering of anxiety, I believe them…it does. But it doesn’t get rid of 100% of it. In fact, I didn’t even realize what Generalized Anxiety Disorder really was until after I had Hudsyn. Our family therapist who helped us the first few years of caring for a medically complex child, shared with me she was “diagnosing” me formally so our insurance would pay for my individual sessions. At first, I thought she might just be “checking a box” to get services. After all, we had become used to this in regards to Hudsyn’s needs. Instead, I learned this is an actual “thing” for me.
When I was young, the anxiety manifested with a nervousness I couldn’t control nor supress before a big test at school, or a speech I was about to give for Forensics (speech competitions). Everyone told me this was normal “butterflies.” In high school, it showed up as insomnia. I would play in a marathon weekend basketball tournament, and become physically exhausted. After coming home, I wouldn’t be able to sleep for more than five hours while my friends were sleeping 12-14 hours to recouperate. Some nights, I’d be awake, thinking of all the things I had to get done the next day, and only get 2-3 hours. I’d continue like that for several weeks until I would physically crash, and get sick…like really sick. No one’s body is meant to go that long, and that hard without rest. In college, I knew things were getting worse as I experienced my first panic attacks. These were scary, because I wasn’t sure what was actually happening. My chest would tighten to the point I felt like I was having a heart attack. It was extremely acute pain. My stomach would tie itself in knots, and during really bad moments, I felt light headed and the room would spin. Of course, I’d visit the doctor, or I’d call my mom. One particularly stressful year, I developed a severe urinary tract infection and a small ulcer. I “didn’t have time” to drink water or eat enough of anything. The student health doctor scolded me by saying, “Just drink something…anything!” That year, I was taking 18 hours of classes, plus playing for the Lady Washburn Basketball team. This was the year I realized I had physical limits…ones I needed to pay attention to going forward.
I “looked” healthy, but I was far from it. I was very thin, and barely weighed 100lbs at six feet tall. When stress wasn’t high, I ate anything I wanted and never gained weight. In fact, I rarely remember weighing myself unless required by a physician or school nurse. Most of my issues around anxiety then (and now) come from a very typical challenge people with my Myers-Briggs personality type face: a constantly racing mind, along with an extreme need for high achievement. Growing up, I wasn’t good at asking for help. I was born with this innate ability to take initial instructions and then just focus, and figure things out on my own. I believed everything in the world could be made better, faster and more efficient with some thinking and strategy. In reality, I was simply terrified of being a failure…at anything.
While anxiety can be a healthy motivator, helping us to get things done and pushing us through stress, many times it’s too much to manage. Fast forward to today where I manage a highly successful business, have two kids with special needs (one who is medically complex) and volunteer in a variety of community organizations. I’ve done the prescription medication route and it was never one I enjoyed. The side effects from anxiety medication aren’t ones I enjoy. Therefore, I’ve learned how to self medicate on many occassions. I’ve used a variety of things to self soothe or “fix” whatever I needed to function more readily in daily life. Those have ranged from melatonin to caffeine and alcohol to marijuana (I have never done hard drugs…too scared what could happen). And food….I LOVE food.
Lately, though, I’ve become more interested in healthier versions of anything…including how to combat my constantly racing brain. The evenings are my most challenging time of day. And while I’ve always enjoyed crafts and creating things artistically, sometimes I just wanted something simple I could pick up and put down quickly, if needed. Something that would shut my brain down, and help me relax.
Introducing Coloring!
My friend Stacey and I were talking one weekend about our varying levels of stress from work/life, a typical topic for us. She mentioned she had become obsessed with coloring books and colored pencils. She described how coloring for a few minutes each evening before bed really helped her relax. She also said it produced some incredible artwork she hadn’t been expecting. I was intrigued, yet skeptical. Sure, I colored as a little kid, but do adults really do this? She said there’s an entire sub-culture of coloring for adults!
“Really!?” I thought.
I was suprised to learn after a brief search, I found hundreds of YouTube videos about coloring. Many were “how-to’s” for colored pencil drawings. Some were just people who recorded themselves completing different pictures. I really enjoyed this one I found about the what it was like to color every day for a month. I couldn’t stop watching or searching all of this new content. The videos of people simply drawing and coloring were relaxing all on their own. Took me back to the days when I used to watch Bob Ross’s, “The Joy of Painting” on the rare occassion we actually watched TV.
I called Stacey again, and we decided to make time the following Saturday to color together. But, first we had to trek to the local art store. I needed supplies! There’s nothing more enjoyable than a trip to an art store. All the beautiful paints, canvases, supplies and such to look through…and the nerdy, yet bohemian shopkeepers who are more than willing to geek out on your questions about which pencil is best for a coloring beginner. Our favorite store was Blick. Although a small store, they had everything I needed, and then some. I chose a handful of coloring books and a large, complete set of Prismacolor Premier colored pencils. I left the store feeling giddy and beyond excited to get back home to try them out.
Stacey gave me a few initial tips for coloring:
- Organize your pencils & create a shading chart.
- Blend AFTER you’ve layed down your initial colors.
- Layering is key.
- Take your time. Enjoy the flow & process of the picture coming together.
Since then, we’ve had several coloring “get togethers.” They are always relaxing and typically involve background music and deep conversations on life. I feel better after each session, no matter how brief in duration.
Coloring has become a new, healthier way for me to manage my anxiety. It isn’t a cure-all or complete fix, but it gives me control over more unhealthy outcomes I’ve experienced in the past.
My stress and anxiety levels are lower. Because I use coloring as an activity right before bed, I’ve experienced better, deeper levels of sleep. We all know staring at a screen just before bed is one of the worst things you can do for your brain.
I also keep a coloring book in my office with a few select pencils. Then, when I have a few minutes in between appointments, I work on a picture. I hear hard stories on a daily basis, and this activity gives me the space and ability to decompress and reset my mind for the next client.
What do you do to combat your anxiety and stress in healthy ways? Have you tried coloring? If so – tell me your experience (or give some photo examples) in the comments!
